So. It has been a long ass time since I posted anything here. But that may be changing! I’m sure thousands are thrilled about this possibility.
It is Memorial Day weekend, and I am at the Poconos with Doug. Tuesday and Wednesday will be my last two days at my current job. I gave my two weeks a little bit ago After discussions with both my therapist and Doug. I’m going to not be searching for another at least for a while.
On the one hand, I’m excited about this. I’m going to have time to actually work on my dreams. I won’t be so exhausted every day which will give me the opportunity to write more. You know, that thing I’ve been talking about doing literally the majority of my life. Another plus is that I’ll have more time to focus on schoolwork. Doug has agreed to this—and paying the bills—on the condition that I actually DO things. He makes enough to pay the bills and I have enough put away for emergencies and whatnot. But my depressed ass can be prone to sleeping a lot. He wants me to actually work on my dreams and not just be a bum. I personally don’t want to do that and I know he will have no problem keeping me accountable. I have a schedule in my head that I hope to stick to, so I will have to check in and let any readers of this know.
Now. On the other hand, I’m annoyed with myself. This was the least stressful job I’ve had and the work environment with my fellow employees is great. Even the gym members are good. Way less rude behavior than working in retail. Plus, I was bumped up to Assistant Manager. I was getting paid more than I had been at any other job. But recently the littlest things have been starting to get to me. I’ve had to go hide in the bathroom or back room multiple times from having anxiety attacks. I started hurting myself too. It escalated from arm punching to stabbing myself in the arm with a pen and finally ended with cutting.
Why does this keep happening to me? Why can’t I just be like other people? If other people are decently happy with their job, boss, and coworkers they don’t randomly have little breakdowns throughout the day or week. I mean, I’ve started spending too much time in the bathroom now because I have a hard time staying at the front desk or doing my tasks. Am I just destined to spiral at any place I work? Perhaps someday I can land a remote job. I’ve always wondered if being at home while working would be better for me. But what if I eventually go deep into depression with that too?
I hope that I can make something as a writer. That’s the main goal. I’m just going to have to get good at social media and marketing myself.